cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
