I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
