I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
