Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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