I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
