Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
