At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
