If i come over, it means nothing
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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