I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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