i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
