no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
we're so committed to being not committed
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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