You made me cry and you don't even care
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
