you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
