hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
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All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
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Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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