if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
