I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
