They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
