your parents love me but you hate me
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize