I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
