fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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