saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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