you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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