I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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