I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
