last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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