im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
