Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
