i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
