Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
