I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
