Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
