I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
