she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
