he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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