She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
