sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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