as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
