Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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