Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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