Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
