just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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