Welp...herpes.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
