her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Vodka?
Forever.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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