we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
