my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
