Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I faked an abortion last night.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
