It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
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After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize