I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
