DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
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I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
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I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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