it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
