i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
