No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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