alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you traded sex for a burrito?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
