so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
