I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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