I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
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