last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i dont even know how to be here
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
