Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
